In which I rant below the line.
Lately, my life has run with one strong theme. Permeating just under the face my daily activities as I struggle with the usual art, writing, and preparing for graduation. I'm surrounded by smart people, the sort of people used to getting A's on their papers and the clamor of excitement over high SAT scores and college scholarships. My friends are gorgeous, they are smart, beautiful, and they deserve every bit of it.
This does not mean that I am not. But some days, just some days, I struggle with the aggravating idea that while I am good... I am not good enough.
My Sat scores are good, but not good enough. They are the lowest of my friends'.
I'm not smart enough for a good scholarship.
Not smart enough to make it into the Honors Program without a plea. Because testing scores were brought down by my math and my GPA brought down by the fact that I am completely terrible at languages.
I am good at writing, but I still don't feel so connected to them as I need to be. I can't seem to finish anything.
I am good at art, but drawing for someone else is hard. It makes me feel that that's where my worth lies to someone. I can't finish any of the jobs that I start, even if I'm offered money for it. "Will you draw?" "Will you write?" "It's been forever since you drew. I miss it"
Good, but not quite good enough.
Talented, but not persistent enough.
Loving, but not loving enough.
Struggling with problems that I shouldn't be struggling with--because my problems aren't big enough. To put it bluntly, I feel as if I can't even fail properly. Not patient enough, not strong enough, not smart enough. Not enough.
Perhaps my problems lie in comparison. Really, it's doubtless that they do. I don't grudge my friends for their talents, awards, how wonderful they are, please don't think that I do.They deserve it, they have worked hard for it.
So I sit on tumblr, scrolling down, feeling stuck, giving vague answers to friends, telling friends that I'm going to an event and then flaking out, worried about college, worried about my eating habits, being smart enough, strong enough. Trying to get out of my stuck record mentality of over and over and over. The same attempts and the same results. Not allowed to confide, worried that people I do confide to will get tired of it, feeling guilty, feeling annoyed with people I shouldn't feel annoyed with. So I sit and do nothing because it's easier, because even if I have interest in doing things, I just never seem to get around to it. I know that I need to push myself, but I never get around to that either. Me. Me. Me. Always me. I'm forgetting how to be there for other people, I'm forgetting how to offer support and it feels awful... Instead I'm annoyed, and lost, and feeling horrible for feeling that way when they deserve my patience and love.
I need control, I need time. I need a game plan and an attack strategy. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I need to stop complaining. I need to deal with my problems. So I'm getting off the computer today, going out graduation dress shopping with my mom and little sister, buy myself some nice summer clothes that will fit me in five or ten pounds. When did I stop telling myself that tomorrow will be better? Or even that I don't have to wait until tomorrow to restart? I guess I forgot.
I don't have to be good enough. God is good enough. He is the answer if only I can remember it.
Lately, my life has run with one strong theme. Permeating just under the face my daily activities as I struggle with the usual art, writing, and preparing for graduation. I'm surrounded by smart people, the sort of people used to getting A's on their papers and the clamor of excitement over high SAT scores and college scholarships. My friends are gorgeous, they are smart, beautiful, and they deserve every bit of it.
This does not mean that I am not. But some days, just some days, I struggle with the aggravating idea that while I am good... I am not good enough.
My Sat scores are good, but not good enough. They are the lowest of my friends'.
I'm not smart enough for a good scholarship.
Not smart enough to make it into the Honors Program without a plea. Because testing scores were brought down by my math and my GPA brought down by the fact that I am completely terrible at languages.
I am good at writing, but I still don't feel so connected to them as I need to be. I can't seem to finish anything.
I am good at art, but drawing for someone else is hard. It makes me feel that that's where my worth lies to someone. I can't finish any of the jobs that I start, even if I'm offered money for it. "Will you draw?" "Will you write?" "It's been forever since you drew. I miss it"
Good, but not quite good enough.
Talented, but not persistent enough.
Loving, but not loving enough.
Struggling with problems that I shouldn't be struggling with--because my problems aren't big enough. To put it bluntly, I feel as if I can't even fail properly. Not patient enough, not strong enough, not smart enough. Not enough.
Perhaps my problems lie in comparison. Really, it's doubtless that they do. I don't grudge my friends for their talents, awards, how wonderful they are, please don't think that I do.They deserve it, they have worked hard for it.
So I sit on tumblr, scrolling down, feeling stuck, giving vague answers to friends, telling friends that I'm going to an event and then flaking out, worried about college, worried about my eating habits, being smart enough, strong enough. Trying to get out of my stuck record mentality of over and over and over. The same attempts and the same results. Not allowed to confide, worried that people I do confide to will get tired of it, feeling guilty, feeling annoyed with people I shouldn't feel annoyed with. So I sit and do nothing because it's easier, because even if I have interest in doing things, I just never seem to get around to it. I know that I need to push myself, but I never get around to that either. Me. Me. Me. Always me. I'm forgetting how to be there for other people, I'm forgetting how to offer support and it feels awful... Instead I'm annoyed, and lost, and feeling horrible for feeling that way when they deserve my patience and love.
I need control, I need time. I need a game plan and an attack strategy. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I need to stop complaining. I need to deal with my problems. So I'm getting off the computer today, going out graduation dress shopping with my mom and little sister, buy myself some nice summer clothes that will fit me in five or ten pounds. When did I stop telling myself that tomorrow will be better? Or even that I don't have to wait until tomorrow to restart? I guess I forgot.
I don't have to be good enough. God is good enough. He is the answer if only I can remember it.
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