A Letter to Someone I Lost

To my ex-partner in crime,

This is something that I might post, and that I might delete a few minutes later. I might hide it, I don’t really know yet. I couldn’t sleep, and started thinking about our old story, taking it out to air, thinking about some old things that were important to us at the time. It was something of a mistake, so here I am, 2 am, thinking out loud.

I have a few things to say, and I could name a few names of people who would disapprove of me putting this out in public, but I don’t really care at 2 in the morning. these are things that I would probably say to you if I could say anything to you. If I could be honest. If you would listen. If people wouldn’t tell me it was a bad idea or something crazy like that. Which it is, but you won’t read this. Just some close friends who might tell me this is a really bad idea. Which I know, so… moving on.

It’s been almost a year since you stopped talking to me officially. I was washing my hands and we exchanged a couple of comments about chapped hands and lotion. That was about it. Since then I’ve attempted some awkward passing remarks in an attempt to revive… something, but nothing much worked. Something about a book you got for your birthday and if I could read it, something about the cat hand-warmers I got you for Christmas (I know you don’t really use my gifts, but they were always the most interesting to pick out. That Rain Man poster was the best, I was kind of bummed you didn’t take it to college, but it is what it is…), and I asked you for a piece of pizza once. You looked at me pretty surprised. Mostly, you just seemed to forget I existed. Which you had, or at least, pretended to. I did practically the same thing except in a look-at-her-not-so-covertly-to-see-if-maybe-she’ll-see-I’m-here sort of way (who did I think I was I fooling!). The whole mess was my fault. It hurt though, spending that year pretending I didn’t exist even in the same circle of conversation, not looking at me when I asked you a question, responding by looking at someone else entirely. I started avoiding circles, or parties, because it was awfully hard to hold a conversation among friends with a big invisible wall in the middle. It was just easier to let you have them, and to be honest, you were always much more fun to listen to anyway :)

But you wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t done all the stupid things I did. I drove you off, I did those things, and I paid a pretty high price for them, I guess.

It’s been almost a year and I still think about you all the time, and it still aches, but not as sharp, it’s more resigned to my fate. I thought for a while that maybe we could be friends again, people said we could. But I’m pretty certain we can’t anymore. It’s gone on too badly for too long, and we probably don’t have much in common at this point. I wish that we could be acquaintances again, exchange names, talk about college choices, things like that. I’ve gotten better since then, and I think (I hope) you have too.

It’s been almost a year and I miss you. I wish you the best.

So, I wish I could tell you, if I could tell you anything at all, that I’m sorry. Just once, so that you knew. Then we could be strangers again.

Love,

Monica

The Daily Me

Listening: The hum of the fans since our air-conditioning is dead. Sweating up a storm over here, I forgot what it was like to be hot x)

Reading: Just finished Talking With MY Mouth Full by Gail Simmons, which I picked up from the library at random and rather enjoyed.

Eating: Everything. But homemade bean burritos tonight


Wearing: My gigantic green Christendom College t-shirt and gray capris.

Feeling: Like the fatted calf. And sick. But, to be honest, I generally feel sick these days. Hoping it passes soon.

Creating: Back into drawing! Or trying to be :)

Planning: A drawing of my OC's Gunnolf and Jodis.

Striving: To gain five pounds and be happy with it. I'm happy where I am now, but I haven't quite reach my goal yet so bleh, but I got this one in the bag.


Quote of the Day: "Get wisdom, because it is better than gold: and purchase prudence, for it is more precious than silver. " Proverbs 16:16

The Update

These past few months have been a struggle, and I am still struggling in my own little way. In the bustle of all this, I'm afraid that I've forgotten my little corner of the internet. This is really alright really, as none of it has a place here on the internet, but I do still have some things to share with you!

I've been baking! Like a little maniac, birthdays, father's day, my parents anniversary, and even catering a grad party that turned out to be absolutely fabulous. It's something that I really do and something that I am genuinely interested in making a career in!

My brother's birthday cake. It was his twentieth and he requested it. Alex doesn't ask for things unless he really wants them, so I was totally happy to make it for him!

Kevin's twenty-second, who requested Keylime pie!

The grad party cake :)

The grad party Monica x)

For my granddad's birthday because he really deserved a little something. So I made him the most delicious chocolate cake.

For other updates on me, visit my tumblr HERE. There's been a lot going on and this may give you a bit of insight into it.

Also for updates on my England tripe, visit HERE

Also trying to get back into drawing, which has bee quite a bit of fun!

Just felt I should post something x)

And to heck with this formatting, geez, blogger o.O

The Daily Me

Listening: To the hum of computers and the commentary of brothers playing video games in the next room. Knights of the Old Republic, I think I'll give it a try soon.

Reading: Finishing up Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott. Not my first time reading it of course, but I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed it.!

Eating: Pb&J for lunch.


Wearing: A black maxi skirt with my nautical Old Navy sweater and tights despite the weather because I tend to be a little chilly.

Feeling: A little on the cold side, a little confused, a little tired.

Creating: Hoping to swing back into writing soon, because it has been ages since I wrote a proper anything! I'm not very creative just now, but I'm thinking maybe some video games will bring it back!

Planning: I'm working as an assistant producer in my school's Shakespeare production of King Lear, we're in pre-tech week week and the storm is about to hit! It's going to be bus-eh this next week and a half!


Striving: To be strong, and to fix this mess that I have created and immersed myself in. It's not as bleak as I tend to make it sound, I think :#). But it is frustrating, and tiring, and I don't always understand what I'm doing or why I do it. But things will be better soon.


Quote of the Day: "Courage, dear heart." -C.S. Lewis

Perfection

And I ask myself.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth obsessing over? Is it worth the time? Is it worth the energy? Is it worth the pain it is causing other people? Is it worth the emotional shutdown? Not going to college in the fall?

If the answer to any of these is “No., then it’s not worth it. It’s not worth my life, it’s not worth my precious precious being just to feel small and perfect and the pride that comes with being the way that I am.

There’s no pride in that. Just hunger.

Self-Love

What do you have to lose by loving yourself anyway?

Think about that for a sec.

Looking at a photo and the first thing you notice is how you look in it rather than the memory behind it?

Time spent in front of the mirror twisting and turning and feeling completely unsatisfied with various parts of you?

A bed piled with changes of clothes because you can’t find something that you think you look attractive in?

The horror.

The modern world wants you to apologize for taking up space. Tell the modern world to stuff it, okay?  Take that second piece of cake if you want it. Your body is smart. It knows what you crave, it knows how much of it. Your body has a set point. Every body is different. It isn’t bad because it’s different from hers, because you weren’t born tall and slender, but instead with curves and hips. Because you were born petite instead of having curves that she has. Comparison is the thief of joy. The most radical thing you can do for yourself, for the bettering of your life is to love yourself, not just the way you are–but the healthiest version of yourself that you can be. If your body sets at a place you don’t like, so be it! Love it. It works hard for you. Don’t be skinny, be healthy, be strong. Go to college, study hard,  do sports,  take risks, and make friends. Live. It’s so much easier with a body that’s happy with itself and when you’re happy with your body.

What do you have to lose?

I genuinely worry about you when you say that you’re unhappy with yourself. Because I love you. I love the way you look, but not because of the way you look. You are smart, you are fun, and beautiful in every bit of you. I’d tell you you look beautiful ever  off as weird. It’s hard, I know it’s hard. Trust me on that one. But if you change yourself, what is the guarantee that you’ll be happy when you get there?  There isn’t one. Got it?

Plus, I just love you the way you are, I worry about you, and I don’t know how to say it. Read this, don’t read this, it’s out there and I said it.

Loving yourself is hard, maybe the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But worth it. So, so worth it.

The 777 Writing Challenge!

I was tagged by the lovely Lisa from Godsdaughter4ever


The rulrs are to go to your current WIP and scroll to the seventh page down to the seventh line and the seven following lines or sentences. Since more of you have theoretically read Sons of Thunder than The Reality (which is simmering) I think I'll do both and err on the side of cheating a bit ;).


Sons of Thunder:

          “I’ll do dishes for a week!”
          “Down,” Unn ordered, and the tone left no room for argument. Friske reluctantly slipped off his perch. The world was ending, there was no escape. Unn drew the spoon from her apron pocket and turned him around with a flick of her finger. Friske obeyed as slowly as he could.Then there was a sudden clatter at the door, a breathless servant weaving his way through the scurrying kitchen hands calling Unn’s name. Friske looked up, hope welling up inside him and he pulled away as Unn looked up in distraction. This was his chance!

And of course, The Reality: (This is actually a very old bit and I need to update it, so have a bit of ancient writing!)


          Rubbing his scorching sleeve against his forehead, Beast pointed the gun in the general direction of the grate. He pulled the trigger, closing his eyes and turning his face away to avoid bits of flying metal. With a jerk, and not bothering to gather his things together. Beast pocketed the few important tools for the mission and left the rest. There wasn’t a place to tie a rope, and he realized that the vent had to be a good twenty feet off the floor, entering into a large hall. Grimacing, but taking in great gulps of cool air all at once, Beast wriggled out, and dropped, twisting so that he would at least fall on his back. He slammed against the ground and the air rushed out of his lungs as he curled up, gasping at the pain.




I'm supposed to tag seven people, but outside of The Pack, I don't honestly know seven, so take this tag and run with it, m'dears!

Good but...

In which I rant below the line.

The Daily Me

Or The Weekly Bi-weekly Me, but I digress.

The latest me: (as of yesterday)

Listening: To my baby sister singing some pop song in the other room while spinning in the office chair. I don't even know how she knows this son.

Reading: Jeeves and Wooster by P.G Wodehouse, as well as The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Both are extremely entertaining and TSL felt like very good reading for Holy Week, but I still haven't finished it yet due to Easter festivities.

Eating: Attempting to pace myself on the Easter leftovers. watercress and buttermilk soup, Italian Easter bread, herb and potato tart, plus coconut cream cake. It's becoming quite a problem!

Wearing: Jeans just a tad too big and a brilliant pink shirt combo with my sister's furry, hooded sweater that's too small in the shoulders. It's cute tho, so pfft.

Feeling: A little tired. The Easter season had some really miserable moments despite everything, but I feel like I learned from them and came out stronger on the other side. I'm being patient with myself and avoiding negativity as well as I can! Just trying to get plenty of sleep and eating balanced for a bit.

Creating: Still working hard on My Grateful Space. It's coming along nicely. Also hoping to draw and write some this week. My creativity is still a little dead and I feel super guilty about it... Trying to get over the feeling. Writing and drawing is not all that I am, and I'm just taking it slow.

Planning: To go graduation dress shopping today! So exciting! I'm hoping that if I do gain enough weight by graduation that we'll still be able to return it for the next size up if we need to? I'm a bit nervous about that...

Striving: To prepare for a history presentation and to study well for finals! I got this. 

Quote of the Day: "The present is the point at which time touches eternity." -C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters.

My friend Imperfection

Perfection is something we never reach, but if we don't try, what is there to strive for?

There is perfection in the imperfect and beauty in the flaws. 

I'm not saying don't strive for perfection, and for beauty, but if you can't love yourself the way you are now, how do you know you'll love yourself when you get there?

Take those imperfections and feed them nachos. They will serve you well. 

Listening: Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest of calamities as he burns down Laketown. I was raised on the old Hobbit film and I will never outgrow it.

Reading: Loamhedge and Oedipus Rex. Loamhedge may be beneath my reading level, but it's still a fun read. Oedipus Rex for school, but it turned out to be more interesting than I had originally anticipated.

Eating/drinking: Cinnamon tea from a Doctor Who mug gifted to me at Christmas. I love that mug.

Wearing: My ugly sweater themed t-shirt and baggy pajama pants. I kicked it into low gear at about six thirty this evening and don't regret the decision one bit!

Feeling: Mixed. I had the opportunity to speak to my mother about some things today. There were some things I still feel conflicted about that perhaps I should have told her, but also perhaps I'm being melodramatic.It was a good day, but my schedule was thrown this evening. But sitting here and writing is entirely relaxing.

Creating: Currently titled  My "Grateful Place", which is to be the empty space beside my bed that I see every morning. It's a bit bare at the moment, but that will change quickly.

Planning: Tomorrow's lunch and my attack plan for the rest of the week.

Striving: To finish this week strong. I think.